eat, drink, and be anxious

Let’s have a real talk about cancer anxiety, shall we? Sure, we've heard about scanxiety, but who knew that anxiety could become the ultimate party crasher, showing up uninvited in every aspect of life, especially when it comes to food and drink?

Now, let's get one thing straight – I've always been a foodie. Like, a serious lover of all things edible. Honestly, when someone says they're not that into food, I raise an eyebrow and wonder if we're even speaking the same language! But post-cancer life has thrown me a curveball in the culinary department.

I'm craving something with a kick, something spicy enough to make my taste buds tango. But then, that pesky little voice in my head starts whispering, "Do you really want to risk it?" So, instead of indulging in what I truly want, I settle for the mild, safe, and dare I say, boring option.

And don't even get me started on ordering a simple cappuccino. The internal debate is real. Will my body revolt against the caffeine? Will it cause chaos worse than a toddler in a toy shop? The fear is enough to make me stick with water – the safest bet, but also the most yawn-inducing.

A few days ago, I went out for drinks after work with some friends. I finally felt semi-normal! The sun was out and I felt like the pre-cancer Shikha. But, as I walked into the bar, a panic took over me where I had no idea what to order. I used to be all about that gin and lemonade life (seriously, don't knock the mixer until you've tried it!). But now, even the thought of fizzy drinks sends shivers down my spine. And spirits? I’d never risk that! I then saw the list of all the beers and ciders, and I just imagined my stomach having its own panic attack. So, I thought “a red wine should be safe”. But, suddenly, I had a vision of it causing intense pain and fear it would start on my train journey home. I even had a quick sweep of the soft drinks, but they were all fizzy!

So, what do I end up with at the bar? Water. Yep, I said it. Not exactly the life of the party, but hey, hydration is important.

Now, I’m not trying to suggest that you need alcohol to have fun or be sociable or anything like that. But I had this whole conversation with myself in the painful few seconds I was stood at the bar trying to order my drink, all whilst my friend was next to me chatting away.

But here's the kicker – it's not just about the drinks. It's about the anxiety that creeps in like an uninvited guest, turning a simple decision into a mental minefield. Standing there, trying to order, feels like an eternity. Every second stretched out like a scene from a slow-motion movie. It’s the first time where I thought, “wow, cancer really does impact every single part of your life one way or another, doesn’t it?!”

The recent trips back to A&E definitely haven’t helped. Those episodes linger in the back of my mind like a dark cloud, a constant reminder that life can throw curveballs when you least expect it.

But you know what? I'm learning to be kind to myself. To be practical, but not let fear dictate every decision. It's about finding a balance – embracing the "new me" while still holding onto the things that make life enjoyable.

So, here's to navigating the ups and downs of cancer anxiety, one sip of water at a time. And who knows? Maybe one day I'll muster up the courage to order that spicy dish or indulge in a frothy cappuccino. But until then, I'll raise my glass (of water) to resilience and the power of facing fears, one small step at a time. Cheers to that! 🥂